Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
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