I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize