Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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