God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize