I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
