peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
