someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
