Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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