They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My life is pants optional.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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