This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
