The best revenge is premature balding
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
