Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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