Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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