i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
