i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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