you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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