My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
