Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You need Xanax blowdarts
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Randomize
