U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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