my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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