You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
