can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
