Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
