Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
