I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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