I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have aggressive nipples.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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