I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
