Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
