I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
