I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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