I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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