Pappa wants mamma naked
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
