I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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