he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
