Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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