i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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