His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
