??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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