I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
