You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
