hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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