Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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