I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
