i think my tv is drunk
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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