Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
