Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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