was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize