When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
