overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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