All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
