Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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