I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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