Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
