My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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