i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm always down for nudity.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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