nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Randomize
