I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
