He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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