Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
